Handicapping the Accenture Match Play

mulligan, 24 February 2004, Comments Off on Handicapping the Accenture Match Play
Categories: Uncategorized

Well, I thought I’d take a bit of time and handicap the Jones Bracket and later tonight handicap the others.

The Jones Bracket:

Woods(1) v. Rollins(16) — I think there is not much Rollins can do to win. Maybe he could hit on Tiger’s fiance or something, but I think Tiger will roll in this match.

Immelman(8) v. Maruyama(9)— Maruyama is hot after his performance from the Nissan Open. I expect him to win easily.

Bjorn(4) v. Hoch(13) — This match should be called the Choke Bowl! Bjorn at last year’s British and Hoch at the Masters. I have a feeling that Hoch won’t Choke and will win on the 18th.

Jacobson(5) v. P. Price(12) — I think that Jacobson’s clothing will distract Philip Price and will allow Fredrik to win.

Toms(2) v. Fasth(15) — Similar to LSU in the Sugar Bowl, Toms should roll.

Casey(7) v. Micheel(10) — Micheel, using his 7iron, stakes it on 18 to win a close match.

Harrington(3) v. Izawa(14) — Harrington and his Wilson hat slides through to the next round.

Verplank(6) v. Estes(11) — If Verplank wears a white wristband, then he will distract Estes and will win. If he goes with black, Estes wins because he is a better putter. Too close to call, but I favor Verplank.

2nd Round

Woods(1) v. Maruyama(9)– I have Tiger winning here. For some reason, Tiger’s fiance does not distract Shigeki like she would to most men, but Tiger actually gets his game together for this match and wins 2&1.

Hoch(13) v. Jacobson(5)– Hoch used to wear clothes that looked like Jacobson’s back in the day. Hoch is also a bulldog on the course and after winning the Choke Bowl, he continues on his wining ways to face Tiger.

Toms(2) v. Micheel(10) — Micheel can hit is 7iron closer to the hole than Toms can hit a wedge, so I expect Micheel to come through for Cleveland golf and win in 20 holes.

Harrington(3) v. Verplank(6) – Gotta love Wilson golf. Paddy wins 4 & 3.

3rd Round

Woods(1) v. Hoch(13)— I’m going for the upset here. Hoch is not on Cialis so he won’t have a 4 hour erection with Tiger’s fiance around, and if he does, he’ll need to call a doctor. Hoch also won’t be intimidated by Woods and I think that Woods is still not ready to win. He needs to find the correct balance.

Micheel(10) v. Harrington(3)— The shaft of Micheel’s 7iron wears out and has to rely on his driver and loses to Harrington who goes to the bar and buys a pint of Guiness to prepare for 36 the next day!


Hoch(13) v. Harrington(3)— Hoch, the Gonzaga of this tournament, finally meets his match after he misses a short putt on the 17th hole to move the match to the 18th.

Harrington WINS the Jones Bracket!


1st Round

Weir(1) v. Beem(16)–Beemer is one of my favorite players, but I don’t think this week he’ll be throwing a party at his country club. Weir sings “O Canada” onto the next round!

Leaney(8) v. Funk(9)— Funk has the perfect game for match play. He is one of the best drivers of the golf ball in the world. Thus, hitting many shots from the fairway he should have an easy time taking this match.

N. Price(4) v. Montgomerie(13)– Monty will have to use some of his superpowers to win, but I hope that he does. He has never played extremely well in the US, unfortuately this will not be his time. Price strokes his Precept into the hole and beats Monty 3 & 2.

Choi(5) v. Cink(12)— Cink shot 129 in the US Open qualifier in Columbus last year. He’s been playing well and Cink will Cink Choi.

Goosen(2) v. Huston(15)— This might be the most interesting match on the board. Goosen is 3-4 in this event and Houston can make birdies with the best of them if he gets hot. I think Houston win in 20 holes.

Lonard(7) v. Mediate(10)— Rocco is another of my fave golfers. If his back doesn’t act up, he could go a long way. Plus, he looks really tough under his Oakley’s and Lonard crumbles under the pressure.

Kaye(3) v. Waldorf(14)– This match pairs the tough guy versus the guy who gives his golf balls to his kids to draw on. Duffy will try to dress extremely well for this occasion and distract Kaye, but Kaye is as extremely tough and wins BIG.

Riley(6) v. Poulter(11)– Riley in on the brink of having a career year and I think he wins this match. Poulter will have blue hair, but he’ll look really stupid after he loses.

2nd Round

Weir(1) v. Funk(9)– I like Weir in this match. Funk will get tired, but if his putter gets hot, he could in. But, I think Weir wins in 19holes.

N. Price(4) v. Cink(12)— Cink calls out A10 and Cinks Price’s battleship! Price loses too many Precepts and loses the match.

Huston(15) v. Mediate(10)— Huston runs out of birdies and the Florida Southern Grad defends Division II golf and walks on through to the next round 5 & 4.

Kaye(3) v. Riley(6)– Kaye rubs his soul patch and intimidates the fairly calm Riley who three putts 2 of the last 3 to lose 3 & 2.

3rd Round

Weir(1) v. Cink(12)– O Canada! The lefty keeps the momentum from the Nissan Open going and shows America why he is better than Phil!

Mediate(10) v. Kaye(3)— Mediate loses a bit of thunder and Kaye gets tough like he did earlier in the year at Phoenix. Kaye wins a close match 1up.


Weir(1) v. Kaye(3)– Weir and Kaye battle it out for 20 holes. Kaye hits it into a bunker and Weir makes birdie to win!

Weir WINS the HOGAN Bracket!


1st Round

Singh(1) v. Katayama(16)– If I hit as many balls as Vijay, I’d be #2 in the world. Shingo has no chance. Vijay rolls.

Kelly(8) v. Garcia(9)– Kelly looks back to his hockey days and watches Happy Gilmore on Tuesday night. He goes to his happy place and beats Sergio who is still looking for Martina Hingis and his swing somewhere in the crowd.

C. Campbell(4) v. Herron(13)– Even though the commentators might get confused as to which player is which, Lumpy smokes one to many cigarettes and cannot beat one of the best golfers in the world. Chad finds his form from the Player’s Championship and wins big!

Haas(5) v. Roberts(12)– Jay has found a bit of spark because his son, who plays at Wake Forest, is able to beat him on a regular basis. Loren Roberts can putt his ball, but the course is going to be too long for him because of the rain. Haas, who should be on the Champions Tour, is the champion in this match.

Perry(2) v. Sluman(15)– Kenny Perry wears a shirt depicting the sunrise, and it not only looks horrible on TV, but Sluman cannot concentrate. Perry wins big!

Faxon(7) v. Flesch(10)– Faxon plays his Titleist and puts it into the hole quicker than Steve Flesch. Fax wins in 2 & 1.

Clarke(3) v. Romero(14)– Clarke has gotten on a workout program and has lost a bit of weight. Edwardo looks like he could lose some to, but unfortuately, he only loses this match.

Leonard(6) v. Cejka(11)– Leonard in true Leonard fashion makes 40 footers on 3 of the last 5 holes and wins 4 & 3.

2nd Round

Singh(1) v. Kelly(8)— They run out of balls on the range, because the range is too short. Vijay is unable to hit enough warm up balls and decides to pick up balls by hand. Vijay gets tired and Kelly continues to find his “happy place” and upsets VJ!

C. Campbell(4) v. Haas(5)— Haas is “livin the dream” and finds his game for this match. He shoots -6 and wins 4 & 3.

Perry(2) v. Faxon(7)– Perry pulls out a shirt depicting a mountain. Faxon has never seen a mountain and cannot focus on his putting stroke. Since Faxon has to putt his ball well to win, Perry wins easily.

Clarke(3) v. Leonard(6)— Leonard continues to roll in the bombs and Clarke decides that drinking Guiness in the 19th hole is “Brilliant”. He loses badly, but goes with a smile to the 19th hole.

3rd Rounds

Kelly(8) v. Haas(5)– Today Jay discovers that he is over 50 and has a difficult time playing Jerry Kelly. Kelly is in his own happy place and since Chubbs is with him, he’ll win again!

Perry(2) v. Leonard(6)– Kenny Perry digs deep and finds the most beautiful pictoral of a man fishing. Leonard decides that he’d rather be fishing and loses his concentration. Perry uses his horrific putting stroke and wins big!


Kelly(8) v. Perry(2)— Perry knows that he has to play 36 holes today if he wins. So he choses a shirt depicting the Austrialian outback. Kelly gets upset because his caddie picked up his cracker ballmark and is charged a 2 shot penalty. Upset, Kelly cannot stay in his happy place and loses.

Perry WINS the PLAYER Bracket


1st Round

Love III(1) v. Baird(16)— Call me crazy, but this is the biggest upset in the first round. Briny Baird shoots another 62 like he did at Riviera and DLIII doesn’t know what hit him.

Tway(8) v. Couples(9)— Couples has rededicated himself to playing golf, and Tway has not been heard in a long time. Couples helps television ratings and decides to stay around for another match.

Allenby(4) v. Davis(13)– Allenby, or is it Appleby, beats Davis.

Scott(5) v. Jimenez(12)– Adam Scott shows Miguel A. Jimenez that it is nice to be young and flexible. Scott puts the final nail in the coffin on 15.

Mickelson(2) v. Westwood(15)– Phil starts his run to prove that he is one of the best players in the world. Unfortunately, he is not, but Westwood decides that he enjoys England more than the US and gets his wish bowing out early.

Howell III(7) v. Curtis(10)– I wish I could vote for my hometown boy, but CHIII wins big.

Appleby(3) v. Rose(14)– Appleby knows his heritage and is still upset that England used Austrialia for the Crooks. Appleby opens a can of whoop ass and beats Rose.

DiMarco(6) v. M. Campbell(11)– M. Campbell is the doormat of this field. DiMarco pulls out the claw and it is over before it starts. DiMarco 4&3.

2nd Round

Baird(16) v. Couples(9)— Freddy finds his old form and Briny cannot follow up his 62 against DLIII and loses big.

Allenby(4) v. Scott(5)– Robert wants Stuart and beats his countryman to do move onto the next round.

Mickelson(2) v. Howell III(7)— This will be a great match to watch. Howell is a stick and can hit it a mile. Phil has a great short game but cannot make a short putt. Howell refuses to give Phil a 3 footer on 18 and Phil yanks it hard left giving CHIII the W.

Appleby(3) v. DiMarco(6)– Appleby keeps his hot streak going and also wants to have the US figure out that he is “Stuart APPLEBY” and not “ROBERT APPLEBY”. DiMarco similar to the FL Gators doesn’t make it to the finals.

3rd Round

Couples(9) v. Allenby(4)— Couples realizes that his time is up and his back gets sore. Allenby sees his Austrialian buddy in the group behind him and beats Couples!

Howell III(7) v. Appleby(3)— Appleby wants his boy Allenby. CHIII realizes that his Callaway Irons are like Rocketlaunchers and loses to Appleby.


Allenby(4) v. Appleby(3)— Maybe the fans in the US will finally figure out who these players are. Appleby wins this match after playing 20 holes. They shake hands and go to Outback for a Bloomin Onion after the match.

Appleby WINS the Snead Bracket!


Harrington(3) v. Weir(1)— Weir continues his quest to sing “O Canada” Paddy does not understand why there is a red leaf on their flag and loses the match.

Perry(2) v. Appleby(3)— Since Perry is wearing a shirt depicting the Austrialian outback, Appleby feels right at home and wins big!


Weir(1) v. Appleby(3)— Appleby goes down to the local Appleby’s and has a Brewtus. Weir unfortuately loses his voice and can no longer sing his country’s national anthem. Since Weir lost his pride, he also loses the match.



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